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How Astrology Helped Me Embrace My Fluidity

“You already know,” my former colleague confessed, “you don’t actually act like a Gemini.”

It was Might 2018, and my coworkers had roped me into after-work drinks at a Hell’s Kitchen homosexual bar in honor of my twenty second birthday. I’d grown notably near this colleague. In a workforce of principally cisgender homosexual males, the 2 of us caught out. We shortly bonded over shared pursuits our male coworkers couldn’t presumably perceive: Janelle Monáe’s Soiled Laptop, vibrators that appear to be necklaces, and naturally, astrology.

I’d barely dipped my toes into the intimidatingly huge ocean of astrological research; by comparability, my colleague had the technical astro information of a deep-sea diver. So when she supplied to tug up my start chart after a tequila soda or two, I practically leapt out of my seat with enthusiasm. She proceeded to indicate me a round wheel coated in unusual glyphs and defined every part from my Rising signal to my misunderstood Solar within the twelfth Home. I ditched the arduous stuff for water and listened as intently as I might, determined to commit her cosmic knowledge to reminiscence.

In that dimly lit bar, my world tilted on its axis. My coworker was proper: I didn’t seem to be a Gemini, or resonate with the entire signal’s stereotypical traits, as a result of I had an entire natal chart full of various planets and placements at play. And get this, the planets within the sky had been additionally shifting in actual time! These planetary motions, or transits, might ping completely different components of my astrological blueprint and replicate key turning factors all through the course of my life.

I felt validated past perception. It was as if the universe had handed me a permission slip to complicate the tales that I advised myself, about myself. And one advanced story particularly had grow to be more and more troublesome to disregard: Just like the planets above, my sexuality and gender expression had been in flux. I now not recognized with the labels “lesbian” and “butch,” which I’d used since my teenagers.

Seeing my start chart for the primary time kickstarted my ardour for astrology, which I now research and apply in earnest. As I quickly realized, Gemini is likely one of the 4 mutable indicators of the zodiac, recognized for his or her adaptability and adaptability. In accordance with Hellenistic astrology skilled Chris Brennan, historic star-watchers referred to as the mutable indicators “double-bodied indicators.” The phrase refers to all 4 mutable indicators, however I discover it particularly resonant for Gemini, the signal of the Twins. Us Gemini placements can maintain house for a number of truths without delay, even once they contradict one another.

Working example? I’m a genderfluid bisexual one that is drawn to individuals of a number of genders in fluctuating capacities. I got here out publicly as bisexual in June 2018, lower than a month after that fateful start chart studying in a homosexual bar. It was principally well-received. I labored in LGBTQ+ media, in spite of everything. Surrounded by fellow queer individuals well-versed within the language of gender and sexuality, I felt secure and validated.

However the second I left my homosexual oasis at work, I encountered hurdle after hurdle. My dad and mom didn’t perceive why I used to be backtracking on my earlier identification label and couldn’t “simply be homosexual”; well-meaning mates thought that my bisexuality was in all probability only a section, and urged that I cease broadcasting it to the world so I might “determine all of it out.” The message was clear: Whereas being homosexual was acceptable, fluidity was too sophisticated to abdomen.

I internalized a lot biphobic rhetoric—about being “grasping,” about being unable to decide—that I started to desert my ideas. I’d pen a scathing op-ed for work concerning the hurt of “gold-star homosexual” language, solely to let a woman I used to be seeing brag about her arbitrary badge over drinks. When individuals mistakenly referred to me as a lesbian, I’d nod as an alternative of correcting them. As I indulged my gender fluidity, the state of affairs turned much more dire. I’d put on pants to out of doors work occasions in 100-degree climate for worry of constructing others uncomfortable with my leg hair and daring tattoos, which render my gender considerably illegible.

Worst of all, I’d fall right into a vicious cycle of feeling much more disgrace when my actions in non-public didn’t align with the values I expressed publicly. You of all individuals ought to know higher, I’d admonish myself in my head, afraid to even journal about my self-betrayal. And for a words-oriented Gemini, that incapacity to specific my innermost ideas and emotions felt crushing.

Analysis estimates that bisexuals comprise the majority of the LGBTQ group, but we’re considerably much less doubtless than different subgroups to come back out of the closet. If that appears paradoxical, enable me to elucidate: Being bisexual can really feel like an unwinnable sport of getting to “show” the validity of our identification, particularly if we expertise various levels of attraction to individuals of various genders over time. We embody nuance, the in-between. In an algorithmic world hellbent on neatly labeling every part and everybody, fluidity of any variety is a risk.

However astrology predates our category-obsessed, capitalist society. It holds house for paradoxes, for both-ands. You may have a hearth signal Solar and a water signal Moon. Neither cancels out the opposite, and each are a part of your distinctive cosmic blueprint.

The planets journeyed throughout the sky with out disgrace or worry. Why couldn’t I do the identical?

My expertise is mine alone, and I’m not suggesting that every one Gemini placements expertise sexuality and gender identification as fluid. However exploring the expanses of my start chart—together with, you guessed it, my Gemini Solar—supplied the angle I wanted to free myself from internalized disgrace.

As astrologer Chani Nicholas writes in her bestselling e book You Have been Born for This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance, “You aren’t only a Virgo or a Gemini or a Libra; you’re a second in time, with each signal, planet and level taking part in a component in who you’re, how you progress by the world and what you got here right here to do.” By now, you already know that I’m a Gemini Solar. I’m additionally a timid, deeply emotional Most cancers Rising dominated by a boisterous, dramatic Moon in Leo. If my start chart is certainly a microcosm of my life, then I’m a residing, respiratory contradiction. I assure that your chart paints a equally advanced portrait.

I turned intimately acquainted with my “massive three,” as we astrologers generally name the Solar, Moon, and Rising indicators, by each research and remark. Once I wasn’t hungrily devouring episodes of Brennan’s astrology podcast, I saved a journal monitoring how sure transits made me really feel. I took consolation in witnessing how my prevailing temper fluctuated because the Moon made its means by the indicators of the zodiac, and I marveled at how my baseline power ranges corresponded with the Solar’s motion by the 12 Homes.

Over time, it turned simpler to launch the unfavorable feelings I’d lengthy related to fluidity and fluctuation. The planets journeyed throughout the sky with out disgrace or worry. Why couldn’t I do the identical?

I started to assert my bisexuality and gender fluidity with real delight, correcting individuals who described me incorrectly and experimenting with completely different clothes kinds and haircuts to affirm my ever-shifting sense of gender. I leaned into my natal Venus in Gemini, which favors an adaptable aesthetic. It is rather a lot an ongoing course of—I’m nonetheless figuring out which gender pronouns really feel proper to me, for instance—however I really feel extra comfy with who I’m and the way I current myself to the world than ever earlier than.

Within the phrases of poet and fellow Gemini Walt Whitman, I comprise multitudes. I additionally expertise fluidity—in my identification, my gender expression, and whom I wish to fuck. Because of astrology, I now embrace these core components of who I’m as written within the stars.

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